March 16 2001 CAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

Is it okay, or is it required, to have sex on a first date?

or

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Dear Tip,

I have a very basic question. Do you think it's okay, desirable or required to have sex on a first date, if it's with someone that you think you'll really, really like?

I'm getting a friend to fix me up with this girl that I've spoken with a few times, and I think I'll really like her. I just don't want to blow it by jumping on her and then her thinking that's all I want, or by not having sex to show her some respect, then having her think I don't want her. Which I'm pretty sure I really do.

Do you think it's better to hold back? I really don't want to screw up.

Do It and Blow It?

Dear Should I Stay or Should I Go,

Well, let me be the first to say that you're never required to have sex. That PC service announcement dealt with, I'll move on to say that I may not be the best person to answer this question.

I have tended to (well, okay, I've always) had sex on the first date. As a matter of fact, the fact that we were having sex was frequently what confirmed to me that what we were on was, actually, a date. These various slutty episodes led to 1: more deliciously easy sex, and/or 2: being completely blown off, and/or 3: the love of my life (deliciously easy sex included).

I could usually tell, going into the evening, whether or not this one was a keeper. And if I didn't know at 9 pm, I knew by 3 am.

I think you'll know where you're headed as your date progresses. Just pay attention to what she's telling you. If she seems interested but shy, feel free to drop her off with a nice goodnight kiss, and a sweet follow-up call the next day.

If you're both going to die if you don't throw each other down, in the name of all that is good and right, go to town. Do her up one side and down the other: Excellent sex rarely scares 'em away. You can't

guarantee something's going to work out, but even if it doesn't, you had one righteous night.

Dear Big Tipper,

Please tell me what you would do in this situation. The short story is, a friend and I are applying for the same job.

The longer version is that he's told everyone in the world he's applying, and has been walking around talking about how he has the job.

I don't know if that is true, but I've heard he's spoken with everyone he perceives to have any clout there, and has been promising them all these outrageous things if they will help him get this job

work I've done, as opposed to his inflations, which I think cross the line from selling himself to gross misrepresentations. And this I know for a fact, because we've worked on our résumés together.

So, here's what I'm wondering. If he finds out I applied for this position, he'll be angry that I didn't tell him. On the other hand, I tend not to tell people that I've applied for a job until I've heard whether I've gotten it or not.

BIG TIPS

(which would make him their boss). And he's talking like he has it, and that the interview is just a formality.

I don't know what to think, but even if I wasn't applying, I think he would be a poor choice for this position. He's looking at it as a social stepping-stone, and I don't think he has any idea what the day-to-day work requirements would entail.

He would be required to do quite a bit of management, and not only is he not much of a "completer” himself, he's never supervised other people, and this would require that he coordinate a staff of over twenty. The job has its political requirements, and he can frequently manipulate short-term results to his benefit, but I don't have much faith that he will be concerned with making the best longterm choices for the health of the busi-

ness.

I don't know if I would be the best person for the position, but the experience I represent on my résumé is actually

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In a way, all of his bragging makes me want to tell him, just in case that would have the desirable result of him putting a lid on it for the next few weeks. But he really is my friend, and this seems like a mean motivation. He's not a bad person at all. He's just taken “posi-

tive self talk" to a nearly unbearable extreme. What do you think?

He's a Brag Queen

Dear Applying Yourself,

Oy. It's already hard enough that you're both applying for the same job. Here's what I'm thinking. Don't let

your application process be dictated by his. Try not to be psyched out by the "I got it" chatter. He may, and he may not. Everybody has a different relationship with the job application process. He's creating a reality for himself in which he feels it's likely he'll get the job, because that's what he needs to do. You need some privacy around the process, and that's what you need to do to not feel too exposed.

If you don't want to tell people, don't tell him. If he gets the job, he'll never have to know you applied. If you get it, you have a nice opportunity to be gracious. And if neither of you gets it, you can choose what, if anything, you tell him. This kind of situation is bound to come up in circles of friends occasionally, because we meet people who do what we do, while we're doing what we do.

Good things to remember are, 1: Bragging is dull for the listener, and can result in serious embarrassment if it's premature, and 2: You don't always know everything that's going on with your friends. Oh, and if he gets it, and is as ill-qualified as you think he is, you may have another opportunity to apply for that job in the very near future.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.

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